There is strength in numbers. And I gained some strength this past weekend by sharing it with 135 mothers who are estranged from their child/childern at a Mother’s Day conference for estranged mothers and grandmothers. An essay of mine was published on Story Circle Network Substack about coming to the conference, A Mother’s Gift to Myself.
I arrived late in Lake Tahoe, after driving my rental car from Reno airport in the dark, on winding roads, thankful for google maps. But google maps was no help in finding my room. There were twenty or so buildings that housed rooms set amoung pine trees. I couldn’t even find the lobby. Finally I did. The young man at the front desk was oblivious to my tear-filled, tired eyes, handed me a map saying, “just turn here and then here and then here.”
So I did, finally finding a door that said #75 but I was #75B. I wanted to cry, to crawl into a bed. I did cry as I went back to the lobby asking the oblivious young man to show me my room. In the passenger seat, he said, “imagine how hard this would be with snow.” I didn’t want to imagine it! As we walked up the poorly lit walk to #75, he unlocked the door to a foyer, room 75A to the left, 75B to the right.
In my room, I had a good cry. At the bottom of my tears, I realized I was pissed that I was attending a conference for estranged mothers. Mother’s should be spending Mother’s Day with their child or at least having a phone conversation. I have a mother’s heart and I miss my daughter (in spite of all that has transpired). That’s the ambivalence of estrangement. At midnight, it was such a relief to crawl under the covers.
Rising at 6am I drank a weak cup of coffee in the room while researching coffee places nearby. As I walked to my rental car, I noticed the door on the driver’s side was wide open. Oh no, I was so upset last night I must have left the door open. A man and a woman were circling the car, excitingly saying, “it was in your car!” I quickly learned their names and that they were staying in the room above me. Fredrick had caught it on video – a bear opened my car door, it was unlocked, got in, checked it out to find there was nothing of interest to him or her and got back out.
That bear not only opened my car door, it opened up laughter, brought connection to the couple and gave me a message to lightened up.
My friend Susan’s death was getting closer this time last year. When I sent the video to her daughter, her reply was, “Seems to me like some Susan trickster energy! Bears in a car but no one gets hurt. I mean?! We love you and hope you are feeling relaxed now.”
Another friend also commented that Susan came to mind when seeing the bear video. And it’s true, Susan was always good at getting me to lightened up around the estrangement with my daughter, to not be so hard on myself. So thank you Susan. We all miss you.
More on the conference and strength in numbers to come. I have to get ready for my flight home now.
Thanks for reading and hope you had a good weekend.
Content warning: strong language
Fscottwrites 